How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
