I'm gonna have a badass scar
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
