Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
