hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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