ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
