forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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