You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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