if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
someone owes me an orgasm
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
