just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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