so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
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I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
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I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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