I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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