There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
