you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
