It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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