then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My nipple is on Facebook.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
