White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
