we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
