i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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