Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
