listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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