Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
