Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
