Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
