I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
