Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
