my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
