I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
