Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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