The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
