i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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