I wish I could teleport
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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