What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
