I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
