I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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