My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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