I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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