I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My day in three words: secret purse cake
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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