There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
