i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
