I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
