mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
