if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
