His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
