She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
