Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
