I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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