I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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