Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
