you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so let's talk penis.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
