I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
