The maid of honor just puked.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
