He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.