Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.