I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.