I wish my penis had an off switch
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.