Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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