How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
