Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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