glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
