I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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