News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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