The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
