im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
