ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
