I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
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In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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