I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
